My first abortion was when I was 20. I had been dating Matt for a couple of years. He was living in Redmond with his father and learning how to fly at the airport. He had come up for a visit and by the time he had a break in school I wasn't feeling well. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I had this incredibly intense emotional break down one evening while I was delivering pizzas in my neighborhood. I remember laying on Matt's couch and feeling horrible achieness all over my body. When I would sit in class or any other time, I would get a stabbing pain in my low back. It would only go away if I layed down.
The next day Matt made us an appointment at the local pregnancy center. And sure enough I was pregnant. Mind you I am almost 21, had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was in college taking pre requiests. I was planning on going to Germany for a month with my German class, a life opportunity I wan't going to miss. The main decision was I was not ready. I had no way of really supporting myself, let alone a baby and by a man I wasn't sure if he was the one. I told my mom and grandma. My mom had an abortion when she was young, she had me when she was 20, so it was with a man other than my father. When she conceived me, she wanted me. I asked her how she knew whether to keep it, she told me that she really asked herself and listened and she got a NO. So one night I asked myself, and the first words that came up where NO with a gut feeling that is was right. During this time I took my first degree reiki class, and the instructor was a close mentor, spiritual counselor and new what was going on with me. I had consulted with her about my situation and she guided me through a visualization to talk to my unborn. She did a reiki treatment on the stabbing pain in my back and it went way and I have not experienced that pain in any of my subsequent pregnancies.
My grandma took me to the clinic one morning, I was going to the Ranch for my mothers wedding that afternoon. I remember on the way there I ate cheese and crackers and I can never recall a time that food tasted sooo good. Matt had flown in from Redmond and stayed the night along with my best friend, Raejean.
That night I had a freak out. All three of us were camping in town, sharing a tent. The wedding was great. On my way home, I caught a ride with my uncle and his family, I began to feel the heavy ache in my heart, and the deep whole that was in the pit of my stomach. When I got home I cried and let myself feel what I had done. I didn't regret it for a second, never have I felt that bite of regret. I know what I did was the right choice. But that didn't take away the pain and sorrow my soul and body felt.
Sequoia Rose 9-04-2004
I got pregnant with Sequoia in Dec of 2003. I had graduated massage school in August, left Matt in Redmond, and I was free. I considered myself (looking back on it now) a feral woman. I meet Ryan on the internet, through Yahoo personals. We had an attraction right away. I knew I was going to meet this guy. He described himself as a traveling bum. If that didn't give it away. We hung out a lot. We decided to go to Hawaii at my persistence. He knew a community on the big island, and I wanted to get out of Oregon. I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of January of 2004, I knew I wanted to keep it. I had a career waiting for me to get licensed. I wanted this baby. I was very happy, called my mom right away. She at once recommend Spiritual Midwifery for me to read and actually bought for me. I lived in Hawaii for two months and flew home. I was hungry, and Ryan wasn't meeting my needs. I missed home really bad.
I lived with my mom the whole pregnancy, finishing school, working part time. Had a wonderful natural birth, breastfed her for 11 months. I had got an IUD put in after her birth. I had no intentions of bringing another baby into my life. I was a single mother, I couldn't support myself yet and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it alone again.
Abortion #2
When she was around a year, Ryan and I tried to work it out. I got pregnant that summer. I was in total disbelief I had an IUD in those are 98% effective! On Ryan's birthday I had another abortion. I had a 9 month old to take care of and had no job, and Ryan wasn't it. but I was trying to make it work.
Abortion #3
We moved in with each-other on her first birthday. In my grief of having another abortion I got pregnant again, by November of that same year. Oh man. I sought counseling after that abortion. I would break down sobbing whenever I was in my car, or alone. I was emotionally grieving really hard. But I picked myself up, left Ryan. Moved back in with my mom and found a job at a spa downtown. I found a one bedroom moldy apartment in Oregon City, that was a block from my private massage practice. Q and I live happily and contently in OC for 3 1/2 years.
Miscarriage #1
It was the fall of 2008. Q and I lived in a nice 2 bedroom apartment that had a washer and dryer in the unit and new carpet. I has trying to make it work with Matt, again, and got myself pregnant in the hopes it would finalize a commitment from at least one of us, me. But one night I had EXTREME cramps all night long. It was one big cramp really, it never went away, for hours I layed in bed in agony. I should have gone to the hospital that night. I lived across the from the hospital. But I was alone, naked and with my 4 year old and it was the middle of the night. A week or so later I had the cramping again and went to the ER. I was diagnosed with PID, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. I got some antibiotics and felt better almost immeditly . By that spring I dumped Matt for good.
Cedar Ubear 12-14-2012
I meet Dustin in the summer of 2009. A topic for another story. Engaged in 2010 and married in 2011. By the spring of 2012 I was pregnant. At first I was shocked, I thought I couldn't get pregnant from having the PID. We had been trying since our wedding in Sept. So it took 6 months, whatever. I had a wonderful, relaxing, loving pregnancy. With Sequoia and Dustin I felt nourished and loved and supported. Our whole family was overjoyed.
One day in church we had a guest speaker. A man who was ministering in South America some-wheres. He's sermon was really nice and I was getting into it when he changed gears. He started preaching about abortions and unwanted pregnancies world wide. How abortions are geneside, and how these women where murders. I started bawling uncontrollably shaking and sweating. Dustin had to hold my shoulders down to keep me from getting up and leaving. I had a complete break down. I was 7 months pregnant with Cedar and with all the bullshit that comes with abortions, (again for another topic) I lost it. I wish I had the balls enough to stand up and say my truth, but Dustin was holding me down. After that the church embraced me, a wonderful church lady opened herself up to me and took me in. (another story for another time).
I want more children. At least one more. I know in my heart that my abortions where made with my best intentions. The devil put me in those situations to get pregnant by those men. God gave me the wisdom and strength to move on with my intuition and not keep those babies. I knew that if I kept at least one, because I wanted that last abortion and miscarriage, it would change my future. I knew Dustin was waiting for and it was only a matter of time until I meet him. I thought one was enough. I also knew and I had promised myself and worked hard at tending my garden, that the next baby I conceive was wanted, made out of love, and in a committed loving marriage. Cedars placenta was heart shaped.
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