indeed finding the stillness
this week. I have had plenty of time to find it and sit there, but I am distracting myself constantly.
Dustin is unwell today. I packed 5 boxes, nursed Cedar plenty of times, he is on his 3rd nap today. Q just came in after playing with a neighbor girl. She is hungry.
Yesterday I was having a poo poo party for myself. I felt like no one liked me. I read in one of my books that Empathetic feel that often.
Last night I was in a whirl of a negative reality that I hadn't experienced in a long time. I have been covering up by smoking. I hate myself keep rolling threw. I wanted to cut myself and bleed. I took 10 Valerian threw out the night just to feel better in my skin.
Around 4am i made myself chant I love myself I love myself I love myself over and over. Even if I got distracted with the uglies. I awoke this morning at 9am feeling more like myself. THANK YOU! I just couldn't be in that mood anymore.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Post Pardom the 4th trimester
Cedar is 12 weeks today! The 4th trimester is over!
This postpartum has been worse than birth! Birth lasts like 5 minutes, or so it seems. It burns like hell but as long as you push threw it its over! But the catch is its the beginning of the 4th trimester.
It all starts with the delivery of the placenta. It took me longer to birth my placenta than it did to birth Cedar! 45 minutes to get that thing out. It hurt too! You have to push it out, like a poop. But you stomach muscles are gone, your pelvic floor doesn't exist, your tired and your body feels like it was hit by a train. My back muscles spasmed up right after I had him and they didn't let up for about a 3 months after birth.
After the placenta was out they push on your abdomen for like 4 hours, every 15 to 30 minutes to get all that extra blood out and make sure my uterus was going back to size. I was so gracious doing this whole process.
My nipples where tender from day one of pregnancy. That should have giving it a way but no I can be so naive at times. When Cedar latched on for the first time it hurt. I am glad he didn't want to eat his first day. But once we got home, OUCH! OMG I was so miserable! I just pushed a human being out my vagina now its sucking on my VERY tender nipples every 2 hours. I could only last 10 minutes at every nursing session before I had to have him stop. I would clench my ass, muscles, jaw, eyes everything to take away the burning pain.
Then 2 weeks later, nipples are starting to feeling better, I get hemorriods. From taking pain meds around the clock and being constipated My body still hurts, no pelvic floor or stomach muscles, by back keeps spasming up. I changed my diet, ate more salads and nuts and seeds, started juicing once a day for about 2-3 weeks. But I didn't want to poop, it hurt! I couldn't walk or exercise because it took too much out of my body to strengthen up. All I did was sit and nurse all day. I finally went to see my midwife at 4 weeks postpartum and she got my a prescription for some coritsol to put up my butt. I HATE putting things in my ass hole, its not right and it hurts! But eventually they went away and that was a relief.
Now 12 weeks, I still have low back pain and now my left shoulder is starting to hurt again. My hair is falling out, I don't miss that at all! Hopefully by now postpartum is over and I can move on with my body again.
Its like the first trimester you body falls apart and again in the 4th trimester each one it miserable in its own way.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
the issue of abortion
the issue of abortion that is played out in our society DRIVES ME CRAZY!
How can a white man stand in front of the nation and state and declare that a woman is committing murder and how life starts at the moment of conception and how bad the woman is for committing such a horrendous crime on humanity. WHEN that same white man stuck his dick in our vagina when we didn't want him to and impregnated us. And then blames women. It is our fault we got pregnant. We are raped ever second of the day just as the earth is raped. But it is our fault? We are to blame.
ANYONE in their right mind would think this is insane.
But it happens, every day people judge, women judge others who are pregnant with unwanted babies.
I just found this amazing book at goodwill for $3.99 and Christiane Northrup sums it up perfectly:
I just finished this book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Our church recommend it. It is about unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul. I was instantly interested in reading it. I really enjoyed it. I normally don't read religious books but I found a lot of truth in it. In this passage I can see how the darkness, Satan, has played with us, used us and blackmailed us into thinking and believing how bad women are. This book really enhanced and encourages women to remember who we really are. Regain our power and stand up against the enemy.
How can a white man stand in front of the nation and state and declare that a woman is committing murder and how life starts at the moment of conception and how bad the woman is for committing such a horrendous crime on humanity. WHEN that same white man stuck his dick in our vagina when we didn't want him to and impregnated us. And then blames women. It is our fault we got pregnant. We are raped ever second of the day just as the earth is raped. But it is our fault? We are to blame.
ANYONE in their right mind would think this is insane.
But it happens, every day people judge, women judge others who are pregnant with unwanted babies.
I just found this amazing book at goodwill for $3.99 and Christiane Northrup sums it up perfectly:
"Abortions deliberately ends one potential life. But not allowing an abortion potentially murders two lives. The bond between mother and child is the most intimate bond in human experience. In this most primary of human relationships, love, welcome, and receptivity should be present in abundance. Forcing a woman to bear and raise a child against her will is therefore an act of violence. It constricts and degrades the mother-child bond and sows the seeds of hatred rather than love. Can there be any worse entry into the universe than forcing a child to inhabit a body that is hostile to it? Life is too valuable to inhibit its full blossoming and potential by forcing a woman to bear it against her will. Since we know that the early lives of criminals and societal offenders are often filled with poverty and despair it may even be dangerous to bring a being into the world who isn't wanted. The specter of more and more women trapped in unwanted pregnancies looms on the horizon as women's reproductive capacity is treated as a political barter." Christiane Northrup, MD Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom.
I just finished this book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Our church recommend it. It is about unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul. I was instantly interested in reading it. I really enjoyed it. I normally don't read religious books but I found a lot of truth in it. In this passage I can see how the darkness, Satan, has played with us, used us and blackmailed us into thinking and believing how bad women are. This book really enhanced and encourages women to remember who we really are. Regain our power and stand up against the enemy.
"Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He destroys it in the natural world wherever he can. Strip mines, oil spills, fires, Chernobyl. He wreaks destruction on the glory of God in the earth like a psychopath committed to destroying great works of art.
But most especially, he hates Eve.
Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. She is the incarnation of the Beauty of God. More than anything else in all creation, she embodies the glory of God. She allures the world of God. He hates it with a jealousy we can only imagine.
And there is more. The Evil One also hates Eve because she gives life. Woman give birth, not men. Women nourish life. And they also bring life into the world soulfully, relationally, spiritually-in everything they touch. Satan was a murderer from the beginning (John 8:44). He brings death. His is a kingdom of death. Ritual sacrifices, genocide, the Holocaust, abortions-those are his ideas. And thus Eve is his greatest human threat, for she brings life. She is a lifesaver and life giver. Eve means "life" or "life producer."Woman have been giving themselves abortions since the dawn of time. It is part of nature. We have forgotten how to be an active participant in our reproduction. Women are constantly assaulted by our media, society, religions, government, etc to be shameful, to feel bad about ourselves, that there is something wrong with us, that we are not good enough. This is just another way to shame us.
the circumstance
My first abortion was when I was 20. I had been dating Matt for a couple of years. He was living in Redmond with his father and learning how to fly at the airport. He had come up for a visit and by the time he had a break in school I wasn't feeling well. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I had this incredibly intense emotional break down one evening while I was delivering pizzas in my neighborhood. I remember laying on Matt's couch and feeling horrible achieness all over my body. When I would sit in class or any other time, I would get a stabbing pain in my low back. It would only go away if I layed down.
The next day Matt made us an appointment at the local pregnancy center. And sure enough I was pregnant. Mind you I am almost 21, had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was in college taking pre requiests. I was planning on going to Germany for a month with my German class, a life opportunity I wan't going to miss. The main decision was I was not ready. I had no way of really supporting myself, let alone a baby and by a man I wasn't sure if he was the one. I told my mom and grandma. My mom had an abortion when she was young, she had me when she was 20, so it was with a man other than my father. When she conceived me, she wanted me. I asked her how she knew whether to keep it, she told me that she really asked herself and listened and she got a NO. So one night I asked myself, and the first words that came up where NO with a gut feeling that is was right. During this time I took my first degree reiki class, and the instructor was a close mentor, spiritual counselor and new what was going on with me. I had consulted with her about my situation and she guided me through a visualization to talk to my unborn. She did a reiki treatment on the stabbing pain in my back and it went way and I have not experienced that pain in any of my subsequent pregnancies.
My grandma took me to the clinic one morning, I was going to the Ranch for my mothers wedding that afternoon. I remember on the way there I ate cheese and crackers and I can never recall a time that food tasted sooo good. Matt had flown in from Redmond and stayed the night along with my best friend, Raejean.
That night I had a freak out. All three of us were camping in town, sharing a tent. The wedding was great. On my way home, I caught a ride with my uncle and his family, I began to feel the heavy ache in my heart, and the deep whole that was in the pit of my stomach. When I got home I cried and let myself feel what I had done. I didn't regret it for a second, never have I felt that bite of regret. I know what I did was the right choice. But that didn't take away the pain and sorrow my soul and body felt.
Sequoia Rose 9-04-2004
I got pregnant with Sequoia in Dec of 2003. I had graduated massage school in August, left Matt in Redmond, and I was free. I considered myself (looking back on it now) a feral woman. I meet Ryan on the internet, through Yahoo personals. We had an attraction right away. I knew I was going to meet this guy. He described himself as a traveling bum. If that didn't give it away. We hung out a lot. We decided to go to Hawaii at my persistence. He knew a community on the big island, and I wanted to get out of Oregon. I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of January of 2004, I knew I wanted to keep it. I had a career waiting for me to get licensed. I wanted this baby. I was very happy, called my mom right away. She at once recommend Spiritual Midwifery for me to read and actually bought for me. I lived in Hawaii for two months and flew home. I was hungry, and Ryan wasn't meeting my needs. I missed home really bad.
I lived with my mom the whole pregnancy, finishing school, working part time. Had a wonderful natural birth, breastfed her for 11 months. I had got an IUD put in after her birth. I had no intentions of bringing another baby into my life. I was a single mother, I couldn't support myself yet and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it alone again.
Abortion #2
When she was around a year, Ryan and I tried to work it out. I got pregnant that summer. I was in total disbelief I had an IUD in those are 98% effective! On Ryan's birthday I had another abortion. I had a 9 month old to take care of and had no job, and Ryan wasn't it. but I was trying to make it work.
Abortion #3
We moved in with each-other on her first birthday. In my grief of having another abortion I got pregnant again, by November of that same year. Oh man. I sought counseling after that abortion. I would break down sobbing whenever I was in my car, or alone. I was emotionally grieving really hard. But I picked myself up, left Ryan. Moved back in with my mom and found a job at a spa downtown. I found a one bedroom moldy apartment in Oregon City, that was a block from my private massage practice. Q and I live happily and contently in OC for 3 1/2 years.
Miscarriage #1
It was the fall of 2008. Q and I lived in a nice 2 bedroom apartment that had a washer and dryer in the unit and new carpet. I has trying to make it work with Matt, again, and got myself pregnant in the hopes it would finalize a commitment from at least one of us, me. But one night I had EXTREME cramps all night long. It was one big cramp really, it never went away, for hours I layed in bed in agony. I should have gone to the hospital that night. I lived across the from the hospital. But I was alone, naked and with my 4 year old and it was the middle of the night. A week or so later I had the cramping again and went to the ER. I was diagnosed with PID, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. I got some antibiotics and felt better almost immeditly . By that spring I dumped Matt for good.
Cedar Ubear 12-14-2012
I meet Dustin in the summer of 2009. A topic for another story. Engaged in 2010 and married in 2011. By the spring of 2012 I was pregnant. At first I was shocked, I thought I couldn't get pregnant from having the PID. We had been trying since our wedding in Sept. So it took 6 months, whatever. I had a wonderful, relaxing, loving pregnancy. With Sequoia and Dustin I felt nourished and loved and supported. Our whole family was overjoyed.
One day in church we had a guest speaker. A man who was ministering in South America some-wheres. He's sermon was really nice and I was getting into it when he changed gears. He started preaching about abortions and unwanted pregnancies world wide. How abortions are geneside, and how these women where murders. I started bawling uncontrollably shaking and sweating. Dustin had to hold my shoulders down to keep me from getting up and leaving. I had a complete break down. I was 7 months pregnant with Cedar and with all the bullshit that comes with abortions, (again for another topic) I lost it. I wish I had the balls enough to stand up and say my truth, but Dustin was holding me down. After that the church embraced me, a wonderful church lady opened herself up to me and took me in. (another story for another time).
I want more children. At least one more. I know in my heart that my abortions where made with my best intentions. The devil put me in those situations to get pregnant by those men. God gave me the wisdom and strength to move on with my intuition and not keep those babies. I knew that if I kept at least one, because I wanted that last abortion and miscarriage, it would change my future. I knew Dustin was waiting for and it was only a matter of time until I meet him. I thought one was enough. I also knew and I had promised myself and worked hard at tending my garden, that the next baby I conceive was wanted, made out of love, and in a committed loving marriage. Cedars placenta was heart shaped.
The next day Matt made us an appointment at the local pregnancy center. And sure enough I was pregnant. Mind you I am almost 21, had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was in college taking pre requiests. I was planning on going to Germany for a month with my German class, a life opportunity I wan't going to miss. The main decision was I was not ready. I had no way of really supporting myself, let alone a baby and by a man I wasn't sure if he was the one. I told my mom and grandma. My mom had an abortion when she was young, she had me when she was 20, so it was with a man other than my father. When she conceived me, she wanted me. I asked her how she knew whether to keep it, she told me that she really asked herself and listened and she got a NO. So one night I asked myself, and the first words that came up where NO with a gut feeling that is was right. During this time I took my first degree reiki class, and the instructor was a close mentor, spiritual counselor and new what was going on with me. I had consulted with her about my situation and she guided me through a visualization to talk to my unborn. She did a reiki treatment on the stabbing pain in my back and it went way and I have not experienced that pain in any of my subsequent pregnancies.
My grandma took me to the clinic one morning, I was going to the Ranch for my mothers wedding that afternoon. I remember on the way there I ate cheese and crackers and I can never recall a time that food tasted sooo good. Matt had flown in from Redmond and stayed the night along with my best friend, Raejean.
That night I had a freak out. All three of us were camping in town, sharing a tent. The wedding was great. On my way home, I caught a ride with my uncle and his family, I began to feel the heavy ache in my heart, and the deep whole that was in the pit of my stomach. When I got home I cried and let myself feel what I had done. I didn't regret it for a second, never have I felt that bite of regret. I know what I did was the right choice. But that didn't take away the pain and sorrow my soul and body felt.
Sequoia Rose 9-04-2004
I got pregnant with Sequoia in Dec of 2003. I had graduated massage school in August, left Matt in Redmond, and I was free. I considered myself (looking back on it now) a feral woman. I meet Ryan on the internet, through Yahoo personals. We had an attraction right away. I knew I was going to meet this guy. He described himself as a traveling bum. If that didn't give it away. We hung out a lot. We decided to go to Hawaii at my persistence. He knew a community on the big island, and I wanted to get out of Oregon. I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of January of 2004, I knew I wanted to keep it. I had a career waiting for me to get licensed. I wanted this baby. I was very happy, called my mom right away. She at once recommend Spiritual Midwifery for me to read and actually bought for me. I lived in Hawaii for two months and flew home. I was hungry, and Ryan wasn't meeting my needs. I missed home really bad.
I lived with my mom the whole pregnancy, finishing school, working part time. Had a wonderful natural birth, breastfed her for 11 months. I had got an IUD put in after her birth. I had no intentions of bringing another baby into my life. I was a single mother, I couldn't support myself yet and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it alone again.
Abortion #2
When she was around a year, Ryan and I tried to work it out. I got pregnant that summer. I was in total disbelief I had an IUD in those are 98% effective! On Ryan's birthday I had another abortion. I had a 9 month old to take care of and had no job, and Ryan wasn't it. but I was trying to make it work.
Abortion #3
We moved in with each-other on her first birthday. In my grief of having another abortion I got pregnant again, by November of that same year. Oh man. I sought counseling after that abortion. I would break down sobbing whenever I was in my car, or alone. I was emotionally grieving really hard. But I picked myself up, left Ryan. Moved back in with my mom and found a job at a spa downtown. I found a one bedroom moldy apartment in Oregon City, that was a block from my private massage practice. Q and I live happily and contently in OC for 3 1/2 years.
Miscarriage #1
It was the fall of 2008. Q and I lived in a nice 2 bedroom apartment that had a washer and dryer in the unit and new carpet. I has trying to make it work with Matt, again, and got myself pregnant in the hopes it would finalize a commitment from at least one of us, me. But one night I had EXTREME cramps all night long. It was one big cramp really, it never went away, for hours I layed in bed in agony. I should have gone to the hospital that night. I lived across the from the hospital. But I was alone, naked and with my 4 year old and it was the middle of the night. A week or so later I had the cramping again and went to the ER. I was diagnosed with PID, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. I got some antibiotics and felt better almost immeditly . By that spring I dumped Matt for good.
Cedar Ubear 12-14-2012
I meet Dustin in the summer of 2009. A topic for another story. Engaged in 2010 and married in 2011. By the spring of 2012 I was pregnant. At first I was shocked, I thought I couldn't get pregnant from having the PID. We had been trying since our wedding in Sept. So it took 6 months, whatever. I had a wonderful, relaxing, loving pregnancy. With Sequoia and Dustin I felt nourished and loved and supported. Our whole family was overjoyed.
One day in church we had a guest speaker. A man who was ministering in South America some-wheres. He's sermon was really nice and I was getting into it when he changed gears. He started preaching about abortions and unwanted pregnancies world wide. How abortions are geneside, and how these women where murders. I started bawling uncontrollably shaking and sweating. Dustin had to hold my shoulders down to keep me from getting up and leaving. I had a complete break down. I was 7 months pregnant with Cedar and with all the bullshit that comes with abortions, (again for another topic) I lost it. I wish I had the balls enough to stand up and say my truth, but Dustin was holding me down. After that the church embraced me, a wonderful church lady opened herself up to me and took me in. (another story for another time).
I want more children. At least one more. I know in my heart that my abortions where made with my best intentions. The devil put me in those situations to get pregnant by those men. God gave me the wisdom and strength to move on with my intuition and not keep those babies. I knew that if I kept at least one, because I wanted that last abortion and miscarriage, it would change my future. I knew Dustin was waiting for and it was only a matter of time until I meet him. I thought one was enough. I also knew and I had promised myself and worked hard at tending my garden, that the next baby I conceive was wanted, made out of love, and in a committed loving marriage. Cedars placenta was heart shaped.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Cedars birth story
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
death becomes life
making a blog for the first time. I am in the need to write what I am thinking and feeling down. Just had a baby 2 months ago. Little boy Brubaker. He is my hearts desire. I knew he would be here December 2012, I remember thinking that when Sequoia was his age. It was either I wasn't going to have any more babies or it was going to be long time till I had another. I had a vision, once when I was maybe 14 or so, that I would have a boy in December of 2012. I had this odd fascination with 12.21.2012. I thought my whole life would change by that date, if I could only just wait and push through all those years of "suffering" without Dustin. But I met him in 2009, three years before the end of the world. My life did change when I met him. My heart began to fill up and complete itself. On our wedding, 9.24.2011, I finally felt whole. Sequoia gave me purpose, and love, and taught me to be patient. She is 8 now going on 14. She looks likes and acts like her dad and that drives me crazy. Cedar looks like me with Dustin's nose and bald head. I love them both so much.
So I since I just had a baby, I seem to be obsessed with death, dead babies mostly. A woman on Facebook lost her 14 month old to SIDS just weeks ago. A old classmate lost her baby at birth. A client lost her 3 year old to a tragic accident at her daycare. I have had 3 abortions. I choose to loose my babies, sacrifice them, because I wasn't ready to have them or my circumstances were not ideal or the father was a piece of crap. Cedar waited for me and the time is right now. I don't know how a mother deals with loosing her baby. I can't imagine. When Sequoia was born, I was 23, almost 24, and the shock of "everything that is born must die" became a mantra in my head for months. It has to be normal for new mothers to feel death so close to them when life is so real.
I have used and learned how to give away or destroy parts of my life in order to create space for someone or something new. My latest one was, my beloved job at Natural Health Works. The next month after I quite, I conceived Cedar.
I don't regret my abortions, I know in my heart that my life would have been altered so dramatically that I wouldn't be where I am at today if I had kept just one of those babies. For the record one of those abortions came when Q wasn't even a year old. I had an IUD in, I had no plans of getting pregnant again until the time was right. But I did. It broke my heart. I knew I couldn't be single mother to two of Ryan's babies, and survive without being on welfare. I thought that Dustin, when I met him, wouldn't want me either with 2 kids from a dead beat dad. I also had a miscarriage the year before I met Dustin, an attempt to bring an old relationship to its make it or break it point. I am so thankful that baby decided to leave.
So I since I just had a baby, I seem to be obsessed with death, dead babies mostly. A woman on Facebook lost her 14 month old to SIDS just weeks ago. A old classmate lost her baby at birth. A client lost her 3 year old to a tragic accident at her daycare. I have had 3 abortions. I choose to loose my babies, sacrifice them, because I wasn't ready to have them or my circumstances were not ideal or the father was a piece of crap. Cedar waited for me and the time is right now. I don't know how a mother deals with loosing her baby. I can't imagine. When Sequoia was born, I was 23, almost 24, and the shock of "everything that is born must die" became a mantra in my head for months. It has to be normal for new mothers to feel death so close to them when life is so real.
I have used and learned how to give away or destroy parts of my life in order to create space for someone or something new. My latest one was, my beloved job at Natural Health Works. The next month after I quite, I conceived Cedar.
I don't regret my abortions, I know in my heart that my life would have been altered so dramatically that I wouldn't be where I am at today if I had kept just one of those babies. For the record one of those abortions came when Q wasn't even a year old. I had an IUD in, I had no plans of getting pregnant again until the time was right. But I did. It broke my heart. I knew I couldn't be single mother to two of Ryan's babies, and survive without being on welfare. I thought that Dustin, when I met him, wouldn't want me either with 2 kids from a dead beat dad. I also had a miscarriage the year before I met Dustin, an attempt to bring an old relationship to its make it or break it point. I am so thankful that baby decided to leave.
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