death becomes life

making a blog for the first time. I am in the need to write what I am thinking and feeling down. Just had a baby 2 months ago. Little boy Brubaker. He is my hearts desire. I knew he would be here December 2012, I remember thinking that when Sequoia was his age. It was either I wasn't going to have any more babies or it was going to be long time till I had another. I had a vision, once when I was maybe 14 or so, that I would have a boy in December of 2012. I had this odd fascination with  12.21.2012. I thought my whole life would change by that date, if I could only just wait and push through all those years of "suffering" without Dustin. But I met him in 2009, three years before the end of the world. My life did change when I met him. My heart   began to fill up and complete itself. On our wedding, 9.24.2011, I finally felt whole. Sequoia gave me purpose, and love, and taught me to be patient. She is 8 now going on 14. She looks likes and acts like her dad and that drives me crazy. Cedar looks like me with Dustin's nose and bald head. I love them both so much.
So I since I just had a baby, I seem to be obsessed with death, dead babies mostly. A woman on Facebook lost her 14 month old to SIDS just weeks ago. A old classmate lost her baby at birth. A client lost her 3 year old to a tragic accident at her daycare. I have had 3 abortions. I choose to loose my babies, sacrifice them, because I wasn't ready to have them or my circumstances were not ideal or the father was a piece of crap. Cedar waited for me and the time is right now. I don't know how a mother deals with loosing her baby. I can't imagine. When Sequoia was born, I was 23, almost 24, and the shock of "everything that is born must die" became a mantra in my head for months. It has to be normal for new mothers to feel death so close to them when life is so real.
I have used and learned how to give away or destroy parts of my life in order to create space for someone or something new. My latest one was, my beloved job at Natural Health Works. The next month after I quite, I conceived Cedar.
I don't regret my abortions, I know in my heart that my life would have been altered so dramatically that I wouldn't be where I am at today if I had kept just one of those babies. For the record one of those abortions came when Q wasn't even a year old. I had an IUD in, I had no plans of getting pregnant again until the time was right. But I did. It broke my heart. I knew I couldn't be single mother to two of Ryan's babies, and survive without being on welfare. I thought that Dustin, when I met him, wouldn't want me either with 2 kids from a dead beat dad. I also had a miscarriage the year before I met Dustin, an attempt to bring an old relationship to its make it or break it point. I am so thankful that baby decided to leave.